Tag: Family

Fighting Anti-Immigrant Bias, One Family Tree at a Time

Posted on by robbie

If all Americans were to trace their family history back just a few generations, the overwhelming majority would discover that they’re the products of immigration.
And that would be a good thing, says the journalist and amateur genealogist Jennifer Mendelsohn.
“Every American story, except for the slaves brought here forcibly and Native Americans, goes back to a boat,” Mendelsohn tells NationSwell. “I want people to let go of their immigrant biases by recognizing their own immigrant roots.”
Mendelsohn is trying to drive that point home, especially to those who carry the torch for anti-immigrant policies, such as ending the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program, or DACA, and instituting a travel ban from Muslim-majority countries. She is the creator of the hashtag #ResistanceGenealogy, which earlier this year exploded in the Twitterverse for its clap-backs against politicians agitating for more restrictive immigration policies.
In a time when shouting down political opponents isn’t helping mend relationships, Mendelsohn’s campaign is reflective of modern social-science research, which suggests that political ideology doesn’t necessarily budge when confronted with facts that are at odds with one’s beliefs.
The only way people change, the thinking goes, is through a truly personal experience — like finding out your family’s background looks a lot different than what you grew up believing.

IN THE SAME BOAT

The Baltimore-based Mendelsohn became interested in genealogy after a personal project led her to research the history of her husband’s grandmother, who came to the U.S. after the Holocaust had claimed her entire family. She thought she had no living relatives left. Turns out, she was wrong.
“It led to this emotional reunion that no one ever in a million years would’ve expected to happen,” says Mendelsohn, who used her reporting chops to dig deep into immigration records and find three living relatives of her in-law.
As the political climate in the U.S. turns ever more toward nationalism, Mendelsohn, armed with a new appreciation for tracing one’s ancestry, has found that the best way to confront it is by pulling back the curtain on those beating the anti-immigration drum the loudest.

To that end, Mendelsohn has traced the genealogy of Republican (and vocally anti-immigrant) TV personality Tomi Lahren, who wrote on Twitter, “Respect our laws and we welcome you. If not, bye.” Mendelsohn discovered that Lahren’s great-great-grandfather was indicted in 1917 for falsifying his naturalization papers when he came to the U.S. from Russia (he was acquitted, thus paving the way for Lahren to be born an American citizen).

Most recently, she took on notorious former Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio, not exactly known for his friendly views on immigration. Despite the current uproar over “chain migration” — a conservative buzz phrase for the family-reunification policy that allows vetted immigrants to sponsor family members — Mendelsohn found that Arpaio’s Italian relatives had brought over more than a dozen people this way.

Family trees, she says, are very much like mythology. In one instance, a man whom Mendelsohn was working with told her that his immigrant grandfather was inspired to adopt the surname “Fruchter” after coming across a fruit seller on his way through Ellis Island. It was a lie; Mendelsohn discovered that Fruchter was the name on his grandfather’s passport, meaning he couldn’t have changed it when he said he did.
“These myths are well and good in a family context. It’s harmless; no one is hurt or injured,” says Mendelsohn. “But people are making policy based on those ‘fruit-seller’ myths and pronouncements based on those myths, like immigrants are dangerous or bottom-feeders.”
That is the crux of resistance genealogy, says Mendelsohn, who hopes that the more people understand their own histories, the more empathetic they’ll become toward immigration issues.
“All these things people throw up to divide people and label people and put people down — all of that falls away when you realize how alike we are. It gives racists and bigots less of a wedge,” she says.

Resistance Genealogy Embed
Immigrants arriving at Ellis Island in New York.

A ‘PATRIOTIC’ PROJECT

There are isolated, but very public, examples of this social theory at work in American politics. Before 2011, for example, Sen. Rob Portman (R-Ohio) was fiercely against gay marriage. Then his son came out.
“At the time, my position on marriage for same-sex couples was rooted in my faith tradition that marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman,” Portman wrote in an editorial for the Columbus Dispatch. “Knowing that my son is gay prompted me to consider the issue from another perspective: that of a dad who wants all three of his kids to lead happy, meaningful lives with the people they love.”
Then there’s the case of Jeff Jeans, an Arizona business owner and registered Republican, who initially opposed the Affordable Care Act, President Obama’s signature legislation. That is, until he was diagnosed with cancer at 49 and given six weeks to live. He told House Speaker Paul Ryan in a CNN town hall last year that he changed his mind on the healthcare law, adding that thanks to Obamacare, “I’m standing here alive.”
Despite these examples of an about-face, Mendelsohn is wary that her campaign will succeed on a large scale. Still, the recent attention given to #ResistanceGenealogy is forcing some people to take a closer look at their own roots. And so she soldiers on.
The only person who has publicly responded to Mendelsohn’s research on their behalf is Fox News host Tucker Carlson, who told the Washington Post, “The United States is a completely different country now. The idea that [having] a relative who came 150 years ago means I have to have a specific view on immigration? It’s so dumb it’s hard to believe you have to respond to it.”
That’s not a surprise for Mendelsohn, who says she doesn’t lose sleep over Carlson not liking her.
“The highest compliment that someone’s paid this project is that it’s patriotic,” she says. “We love this country and what it represents, and so much is bound up in the opportunities that this country afforded.”  

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Editor’s note: An earlier version of this story incorrectly attributed a quote to Joe Arpaio and misstated the number of immigrants his family sponsored (it was 13, not eight). It also stated the author’s in-law reunited with two relatives, not three.

Every Murder Is a Tragedy. But Funding the Funeral Shouldn’t Be

Posted on by robbie

This story is the second in a multimedia series on states’ victims’ compensation practices. In the first installment, a NationSwell original investigation found that thousands of families of murder victims are denied compensation due to a “contributory conduct” clause — essentially, local officials allege that the victim was responsible for his or her own murder. Read the full investigation here.
 
 

My Final Act of Service

Posted on by robbie

Two years ago, I was built like a tank. I’ve been built like that my entire life, having grown up as a wrestler in high school and college. Once, way back then, someone looked at me and said, “What the hell are you?”
I look much different now. It’s hard for me to speak for long periods of time, and I’m about half the size I used to be. Now, I’m happy to just get up and walk, which is a mental challenge all by itself. The guy I used to be has been destroyed by chemotherapy.
In late 2015, I was diagnosed with stage-four cholangiocarcinoma, a rare and aggressive form of cancer that starts in the bile ducts. I don’t know how much time I have left; I may not even make it to my 55th birthday this December. But I’m happy that I can go knowing I’ve lived my life in complete service to others and to my family.
Except I have a teenage son, and there’s still so much to teach him.
I won’t be able to impart my wisdom to Mason as he grows up. That’s why I’m making sure he knows now the importance of living a life in service, like I have. The lessons are simple: Be humble, be open and be helpful.
Growing up, my father was constantly working, which meant he wasn’t around a ton. He did the best he could though, and I considered him my best friend. But I didn’t have someone who could mentally challenge me. I got into wrestling in the seventh grade, and my coach became that person for me instead. He ended up being a formidable figure in my life, and I’m still in touch with him today.
You could tell immediately that this man had served in the military — through his mannerisms, his attention to detail and his level of concentration. I thought, “This guy is incredible.” At an early age, my coach gave me advice that to this day I continue to take to heart:
“Don’t be a wise guy,” he would tell me. “Don’t be a showboat.”
Eventually, I joined the Marines, and that advice is what got me through basic training. Now, it’s something I teach Mason at every opportunity. We have a lot of big talks these days — especially now that I don’t know how long I have left to live — and I try to tell him who I was before the military.
I tell him not to be that guy.
When I enlisted in 1982, I was a very private person. In fact, you could say I was pretty closed off. But interaction with people is important, and you have to be open and outgoing. There is just something about being open to new experiences that makes life more meaningful. It also makes you not afraid to help people.

Time in the Marines inspired Anthony Egan to pursue a life of service.

There is nothing more gratifying than helping others, and there are many avenues for doing that — not just through the military.
I joined the Marines after one year of college because I simply didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. In fact, the movie “An Officer and a Gentleman,” about a guy who joins the Navy, came out right before I signed up, and that shaped what I thought the military was going to be like.
I was wrong.
My time in the military wasn’t like a Richard Gere action-romance film. It was tough, and it was terrifying. But it also made me grow into a man that started to think to myself, “What can I do to give back?” What the Marines did was laser-focus my attention and instilled in me the idea that, “Hey, you’re capable of a hell of a lot more than what you’re doing now.”
I left the service in 1988, and it haunted me for a long time. I just missed it so badly. I still say that the Marine Corps was the best job I ever had. But I can no longer regret leaving, because I have the best family God could give me, and I would never have met my wife and had Mason if I had stayed.
“What the Marines did was laser-focus my attention,” Egan says. “It instilled in me the idea that, ‘Hey, you’re capable of a hell of a lot more than what you’re doing now.'”

But here’s the thing: When you serve, the experience never truly leaves you; it always stays with you. Every time something tragic occurred, I would quietly shed a tear. When 9/11 happened, I was choked up watching the coverage on TV. I felt like I should be there — I needed to help.
So off I went to Ground Zero, wearing my old and dated fatigues from the ’80s, and was able to get my way onto the search and rescue team that pulled out the first five people. It was surreal; everyone had the same look on their face, much like how they talk about the empty thousand-yard stare of soldiers who served in Vietnam. There was a gray, pinkish powder in the air, like debris mixed with blood. And it covered everything.
My cancer, my family and I believe, has a direct correlation to my time helping on the pile. But I wouldn’t take any of it back, and Mason knows that.  
And that’s because service is part of me, now. I tell Mason constantly that being in service is such a selfless act. It’s contributing to something bigger than yourself. It just requires humility and the willingness to be open to help others.
Luckily for me, Mason already has most of these traits. But he’s only 14 and has a lot of growing up ahead of him and will face situations where I won’t be there to talk to him.
And that is the one thing that kills me — figuratively, of course — feeling like I’ve let down my son by dying too soon.
He’s talking right now of going to the Naval Academy in Annapolis, Md. I hope he does. He’s smart and creative, and good in science and math. I can see him being a biomechanical engineer or something similar.
But even if he doesn’t go into military, I just want him to be happy helping people. I tell him that if he sees someone who needs help, help them. It’s a really good feeling. I promise.
As told to NationSwell staff writer Joseph Darius Jaafari. This essay has been edited for clarity an style. Read more stories of service here.

Update: Anthony Egan passed away on Sunday, Nov. 19, 2017, with his family by his side. He served as a corporal in the intelligence unit of the U.S. Marines from 1982 until 1988. He then spent more than 20 years working in the pharmaceutical industry. He is survived by his wife and son in New Jersey.

Not Your Grandma’s Golden Years

Posted on by robbie

Florida condos, group bus trips and endless games of Solitaire may be a thing of retirement past. The typical American Millennial is unlikely to mirror the retirement of their grandparents — or even their parents. According to analysis in the publication Science, developed countries have seen an increase in longevity, more than two years every decade. A person born in 1998 is likely to live to 95, assuming she has reasonable access to education and healthcare. This means that your golden years might be almost as long as your professional life. Spending 35 years lounging by the pool or playing mahjong is unlikely to appeal to Millennials, who seem to prefer transience to routine.
When Social Security was first established in 1935, life expectancy was around 61. For those trying to fit in education, a family and a job to support that family, there wasn’t ample time for leisure and other activities. It’s no wonder then that Americans defaulted to a three-stage plan that focused on those three things. Adding an upward of 40 years to a lifespan frees things up bit to make life more fulfilling, and in turn, provides the opportunity for a “multi-stage life.” Coined by Lynda Gratton and Andrew Scott, authors of “The 100-Year Life,” the concept outlines the shifting of our life trajectory from being progressive and defined by three stages to one that’s non-linear and filled with diverse careers, breaks and adaptations.
“The current trends of this three-stage life cannot work for someone with potential to reach 100 [years of age],” says Scott, professor of economics at London Business School. “Instead, a multi-stage life will be made up of many different stages each with different aims — perhaps one aimed at making money, another with a better work/life balance or a third focused on self-expression. Each stage will require a reboot to prepare a new identity and skills for the stage ahead.”

Millennials are leading the way by redesigning their 20s as a distinct age stage. The focus: Spend your second decade determining your values, your strengths and priorities — a time to hold off on early commitments and explore ample possibilities.
A recent Merrill Edge Report shows that 42 percent of 18-to-34-year-olds designate working their dream job as a personal milestone. Thirty-seven percent make traveling the world one of their top priorities. And almost two-thirds of Millennials are saving to live out their desired lifestyle now, as opposed to 55 percent of Gen Xers and baby boomers who put money aside for retirement. Call it FOMO retirement planning: Younger generations are no longer looking at their adult life as a predetermined, linear path. Instead, they’re taking a hop-on-hop-off trolley approach by nurturing personal goals. Read on to see how you can catch a ride for this multi-stage life.

Embrace Transitions

The multi-stage life counts on being adaptable in all areas: career, relationships, family and beyond. “Flexibility requires that we set aside what has already happened so that we can be open to what arises next,” says Henry Emmons, holistic psychiatrist and co-author of “Staying Sharp.”
Curiosity is an important driver in creating this flexibility. It challenges us beyond what we already know, which results in a bit of (good) stress that resolves when the related task is complete. Think about trying an exotic food. Inquisitiveness makes you wonder what it tastes like, followed by tension before you experience the unknown flavor, until your brain registers the entire experience as new taste. “As far as the brain is concerned, curiosity pushes us to keep going and thus, creates new neuropathways,” Emmons says. “It’s the best things we can do for ourselves, especially as we age and become set in our ways.”
Identity is often shaped by a particular job. When you’re not limited to a single career, however, you’re open to experiencing various roles. “You need to think about your identity in a different way,” says Scott. Reinforcing the idea that a gap year is no longer limited to college graduates, and instead, an acceptable (planned) exploratory period every few decades, is bound to reboot any inertia along the way.

Invest in New Skills

If you don’t disrupt the three-stage life, you’re likely to feel bored or frustrated during your centenarian life. “The human psyche needs to keep growing and learning,” says Emmons. “The antidote is to keep yourself engaged and try new things to create a sense of momentum that gets you out of a repetitive pattern.”
In order to stay current, one should be ready to adapt — and often. Unknown opportunities will arise a decade from now, so it’s vital to reskill every three to five years. Virtually every job today requires at least some computer skills, and those at the helm have a clear advantage. New technologies, like robotics and Artificial Intelligence (AI), will further disrupt the playing field. The International Federation of Robotics forecasts that the number of industrial robots will increase by 13 percent each year between now and 2019. According to the McKinsey Global Institute’s June 2017 report, “Artificial intelligence tools have the promise to change our lives as fundamentally as personal computers did a generation ago.” Because almost a quarter of firms that have adopted AI expect to grow their workforce, not reduce it, individuals need to acquire skills that work with, not compete, against machines.
This approach challenges the collegiate “learn then earn” model that can’t keep up with fast-paced job market. A “nanodegree” may be the answer to get ahead in this new digital frontier. Udacity, an online education hub, has pioneered the concept of offering tech-savvy courses — including Robotics and Self-Driving Car Engineer — that further one’s career without costing much time or money. These courses aren’t just useful for a Silicon Valley wannabes; the financial, media, retail, education and healthcare sectors, as well as the travel industry, are all integrating various degrees of AI into their frameworks.
While automation is the asset du jour, robots alone can’t monopolize the workforce. A perk of being human is that mental plasticity drives innovation and creativity. Take this success story: A computer science whiz was able to break into the L.A. fashion industry because her coding background allowed her to develop programs for printing patterns on different textiles. “She had the visions of a fashion designer, but also understood the mechanisms to bring her visions into reality,” says Valerie Streif, senior advisor with Mentat, a San Francisco-based organization for job seekers. “You’re able to jump fields as long as you’re willing to take on new challenges.”
It’s crucial to develop transferable soft skills such as leadership and communication — something the smartest robot cannot match. “Emotional intelligence is the most desirable soft skill of all,” says Streif. “The ability to read people sets you apart as a leader.”

Strive for a productive life

Planning for a multi-stage life is more than lining up your finances (more on that later). Family, friends, health, mental well-being and knowledge are the building blocks of an enjoyable long life. Aside from providing a nurturing day-to-day experience, these intangible assets are crucial during transition periods that often need extra support.
On the home front, actually coordinating and switching roles — a theory coined by Nobel prize-winning economist Gary Becker back in 1981— allows each partner to further develop different life stages while still maintaining the much-needed income stream. Domestic partnership roles based on traditional patriarchy simply can’t benefit both parties, not in the long-run anyway.

Much like financial investments, intangible assets like friendships need diversification and consistent attention to grow. (After all, you can’t bank on college to set you up with friends for the next 80 years). This is where volunteering, civil service or caregiving come in. Non-homogenous relationships make you less prone to stereotypes, prejudice and ageism — boosting your reputation as a people-person, a characteristic that carries enormous value in every day interactions and the workforce.
A productive life also means prioritizing a healthy mind and body. The healthier you are in your youth, the fewer chronic conditions should pop up later on. Conversely, an unhealthy lifestyle doesn’t just wreak havoc physically; it can drain savings due to the already volatile state of healthcare. If practicing meditation seems too advanced, develop good sleep patterns. “It’s the single most protective thing for the body and the brain,” says Emmons. Sleep is like going into a repair shop to tweak all those micro injuries that happen during the day. “Deep sleep allows the brain to cleanse itself and opens up channels that are closed during the day,” he adds.

Revamp your financials

According to a Bankrate.com report, seven out of 10 of non-retired Americans plan to work as long as possible during retirement. Of those, 38 percent plan to remain employed because they like to work, and 35 percent said they plan to have a job because they need the money; 27 percent said both. When you consider that a third of Millennials believe Social Security won’t be available to them, retirement savings must take priority. “Everyone, especially Millennials, should get in the habit of saving 15 percent of their income for retirement,” says Greg McBride, chief financial analyst at Bankrate.com. “Ideally through tax-advantaged retirement accounts such a workplace 401(k) and an IRA. Establish this habit early on and it will stick with you as earnings grow.”
In fact, you might need to stash as much as 25 percent of your income — a challenging task if student loans and travel eat up a saving than previous generations.
While Millennials are better at saving than previous generations, the Great Recession has made many question the security of investment plans. The fear is not warranted, says McBride. “Who cares what the market does next year, or the year after. You’re making contributions. If the market goes down, you get better price on your next contribution. The stock market is the only place, when it goes on sale, people run the other way.”
But what about paying off student loans? A fair question given the fact that 70 percent of college graduates are left with $38,000 in debt, on average. While a looming loan can be psychologically burdensome, making consistent payments towards your loan for 10, or even 25 years if you’re furthering your education, is often the right plan, particularly if you’re also paying a mortgage or other debt. Contributing to a 401(k), particularly if your employer offers dollar-for-dollar matching, is another smart alternative to paying off student loans right away.

Restructure time

“We don’t yet know what exactly works over 100 years, and it will be a long while until we do,” says Scott. That’s why it’s a good idea to ignore the clock a bit. Your 20s are becoming increasingly accepted as a time to be liberated and to transform your interests into more permanent sectors of your life, such as different careers or lifestyles. Think of your 30s as the test-drive decade for all those self-discoveries made during the previous decade. Perhaps your 40s is a time to make tweaks or shift gears. Once you’re in your 50s, ponder whether your older self will approve of how you’re setting up your life for the next stages. “Unlike past generations, it’s important to keep giving yourself options throughout all ages,” says Scott. “You find out what you like by both doing it and by rejecting what you don’t.”
The advantage of looking at life as a non-linear progression frees you up to make choices that may otherwise feel risky when you’re bound by the expectations of the three-stage life. Millennials are on the right track by delaying marriage and children in order to make time for self-discovery, find well-fitting careers and partners and enhance their community.
Going forward, each person has the opportunity to create a unique path. But to do so, we have to become age-agnostic. Repeat the following: Age does not equal stage. In other words, there are no rules when you can be a college student or a spouse, or hold a certain job. Overthinking whether you fit into a mold can be detrimental in the long run. “Worry and fear lock us in and create a sense of stagnation,” says Emmons.
This post is paid for by AARP.

It’s Completely Okay to Say You Want to Grow Old

Posted on by robbie

The day my mom was diagnosed with cancer at age 62, she turned to my dad in tears and said, “I’m not going to get to be the grandma.”
Many women today don’t want to be called that. They think it makes them sound “old.” When I hear this, a little part of me feels like yelling, “Do you know what a privilege it is to grow old?”
Aging — and one day, being able to live to 100 — should be celebrated. To me, “Grandma” is the name of an older person who’s reached the ultimate milestone. It’s something to be grateful for, not hide from. Forget your vanity! Be proud that you made it to a phase of life that many people never got to experience.
My husband lost his father at 13. I lost my mother at 30. Sometimes I worry that we won’t be around to see our young sons grow up. Becoming a grandmother and supporting my children when they become parents has become an ultimate goal.
Late in the summer of 2015, my mother (who’d never smoked) learned she had stage 4 lung cancer. Her oncologist was hopeful he could treat her. Yet hours after their visit, my mother couldn’t catch her breath, despite being on oxygen. My father rushed her to the hospital, where she was admitted to the ICU. My sister and I arrived less than an hour before my mother was put on a ventilator. She had no idea what was happening, and we didn’t either. We couldn’t imagine that her fight with cancer could be ending before it had even begun.
For the next two weeks, we were at my mother’s side, day and night. She remained on the ventilator, unconscious. Then one night, the doctor took us aside and told us there was no longer hope. Eighteen hours after my mother was taken off the ventilator, she passed away.
This was the most horrific month of my life. Just a few weeks earlier, my mother had been at a friend’s wedding, hosting her sister for a visit, celebrating my son’s first birthday…
Even now, it’s hard to believe that she’s gone.

When I was a child, my mother worked from home and was there every afternoon when I came home from school. If I close my eyes, I can picture her standing behind our kitchen counter, doling out an obscene amount of food, eager to hear everything about my day. (She had a lot of opinions.)
Even after I became an adult, my mother would do things for me before I’d even thought to do them myself. If I mentioned to her that I was sick, there’d be a knock at my door with soup from Second Avenue Deli.
Life without her has been an adjustment in so many ways. I miss her wit and wisdom. I miss our daily calls, texts and emails. And from a practical perspective, life has become more challenging.
There’s no substitute to a grandparent when you’re raising a small child. In my first year as a working mom, my husband and I rarely had a tiff, thanks to my mom swooping in when we were both stressed and sleep-deprived to watch our son, bring us a meal, tidy up our living room, send us on a date night or take some responsibility off our plate. (“I thought the baby could use some more pajamas. Here you go!”)
It’s hard to describe the value of a grandmother kvelling over your “perfect, beautiful, gorgeous, brilliant, elite, premium, beyond adorable” babies (to use her words). It’s the confidence boost every parent needs, and one that I hope to provide to my own kids — and even to their kids — if I reach 100.
If I were to live to that age, my fantasy is that I’d be in great health and living with my husband somewhere beautiful — perhaps a lovely little apartment in Chelsea or … Provence! — reading books, drinking wine, looking out at a beautiful view and seeing our children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren who just happened to have moved there.
I’d be grateful to hold them, share whatever wisdom I have and help them understand our family’s history and values. (Here’s to hoping I’ll also get to see our first female president elected!)
If I live to be 100, I will have lived almost 40 years longer than my mother did. Hearing my son say “Mama” is one of the most beautiful things in the world. I’m pretty sure being called “Grandma” is just as wonderful.

Julia Edelstein is a writer and editor specializing in health journalism. She is currently the senior health editor at Parents Magazine. She lives in New York City with her husband and their two young sons.
This post is paid for by AARP.

Turn and Face the Change

Posted on by robbie

I’m fascinated by lifespan: how we’ve spent the time that’s already behind us; how we’re using our present time; what’s going to happen to the time allotted us in the future. That said, I’m all for a life that’s well lived rather than one that’s long. Instead of being mediocre for 150 years, I’d prefer to be brilliant for 70.
I do think time gives us more opportunities to change, and the longer you live, the more you get. I was the typical angry adolescent, but at my recent high school reunion, my old classmates kept saying they’d never seen me smile and laugh so much. And although I grew up in a family where I was taught to never talk about my feelings, becoming a parent in my 20s changed me. I learned to open up and express myself. Now, every day, I tell my 8-year-old son that I love him and how proud I am of him.
So long as we continue to learn and grow, time also gives us the opportunity for reinvention. At just 33 years old, I’m already on my third career as a writer and director. I’m also a personal trainer. (Previously, I worked as a fighter and a forklift driver.)
Twice in my life – once after my marriage fell apart and the second, after a long-term relationship ended – I found myself in a deep depression. I used alcohol and painkillers. I considered suicide. For a while, I was even homeless, carrying around two duffel bags of belongings and sleeping on the F train in New York City, where I live. The only thing more exhausting than an existence like that is hiding it from people. It was like swallowing razorblades.
What pulled me out of those dark times was an intense feeling that my life wasn’t done yet. I vividly remember thinking, This isn’t my time.

Going through difficult periods made me capable of putting other problems in perspective. What I value in friendships and romantic partnerships is much different now. Instead of needing to be validated by someone else, I crave emotional support and good communication. That’s what we all yearn for when things go poorly.
But for me, all those benefits of time still don’t outweigh the realities of growing older.
Men in my family usually don’t live long past 65 — if they even make it to that age at all. We have a history of neurological diseases like Parkinson’s and multiple sclerosis. Dementia is part of my family tree as well.
In 2014, my grandmother — who raised me – was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Over the years, my family missed the early signs. But once we recognized them, she seemed to deteriorate overnight. One night, Nana was cooking us dinner. The next, I was carrying her to the bathroom because she couldn’t remember where it was.
My entire family, including my ex-wife, became Nana’s caregivers around the clock. We did her shopping, read to her and kept her company. She became paranoid and angry, unable to do all the things she used to do: cook, take tai chi classes, even watch TV. We couldn’t even suggest going to a doctor without her flying off the handle. As she deteriorated, the circle of people who helped her got a lot smaller.
I spent a lot of nights crying. When my grandmother passed away last year, she was only 82 years old.
When I say I don’t want to live to be 100, that’s an opinion based out of fear – a fear that my quality of life will decline greatly after a certain point. I want to live the best life I can for as long as I can, but the possibility of becoming a burden on my loved ones makes me hesitant to accept the notion of a long life.
A cure for dementia would definitely change my outlook on the prospect of living to 100. But who knows if and when that will happen? Back in the 80s, didn’t we think we’d be living like the Jetsons by now?
My absolute biggest fear about aging is losing every memory I’ve ever had and becoming a shell of the self that I know and that everyone around me loves. I want my son to look at me and always see me.
With the family history of health conditions that I have, it’s hard to imagine myself at 100. I can’t help but worry that living that long would keep my son from living the life he’s dreamed of for himself.

Jared Glenn is a film and music video director based in New York City. He is also an aspiring writer and a personal trainer in lower Manhattan, as well as a devoted father.
This post is paid for by AARP.
 
 

Family Day in Lieu of Mother’s and Father’s Day

Posted on by robbie

When I dropped my four-year-old son off at school a couple of weeks ago, I found a memo of “Dates to Remember” taped to his cubby. It announced Picture Day, an upcoming visit by a dentist and the graduation ceremony for the kids going on to kindergarten. But another event caught my attention: a “Parents’ Day” breakfast. Its short explanation made an important statement about diversity and inclusion. “We will not be celebrating Mother’s Day and Father’s Day separately. We work in a very diverse field and not all children have a mother, father or either.”
… Or either. Consider that.
The school, known as Park Slope North, is among the most demographically diverse in New York City. It’s also socioeconomically diverse. Some students are raised by two moms, others have two dads. Some children live in foster care, and others reside with older siblings or extended family. Many families pay thousands of dollars in tuition, while others’ attendance is subsidized by NYC’s Administration for Children’s Services.
“It’s all about inclusion,” says Jewel Vaughn, the school’s educational director who came up with the idea. She adds that the goal is to embrace differences among children, “while they’re not noticing what society has normalized.”
According to the Pew Research Center data, family is complicated. Marriage rates are falling, and more than a quarter of children are raised in homes without fathers. Record numbers of Americans are living in multigenerational households and more than 3 million kids are being raised by grandparents — two demographics that experienced sharp upticks during the Great Recession.
Park Slope North’s staff see their new Parents’ Day as a small change that’s emblematic of a larger school culture aiming to level socio-economic divides in the next generation. “It is important to teach children at a young age about diversity, amongst themselves and their peers. The sooner we are able to embrace and accept it, the faster and easier it will be to close the opportunity gap,” Vaughn says.
The school’s liberal-leaning parents (myself included) welcome the idea. Some even suggested that to be even more inclusive, the celebration should be scheduled outside of normal business hours. That way, more parents would be able to attend.
“I think it’s a wonderful idea to celebrate the more neutral concept of Family Day,” says Khin Mai Aung, a mother in the school. “Not only is the concept more inclusive, but it is a good reminder to to be mindful of how families in our community are different.”  
It’s important to note, however, that many people consider such actions overly sensitive. When a Canadian school took a similar action, media outlets picked up on the story and commentary spilled onto social media, with critics posting, “It’s called, reality. We must remember that these kids must learn to cope with these types of things,” and “Political correctness strikes again.”
Whether it’s providing free breakfast, adding a religious holiday to the school calendar or creating additional childcare services, schools stand at the frontlines of meeting the ever-evolving needs of children and their families. Is celebrating Parents’ or Family Day instead of Mother’s Day and Father’s Day any different? No, it’s not. Mothering and fathering can come from anyone and children should have an opportunity to celebrate whomever they have.

Notes From the Field: Miriam Altman on School Absenteeism

Posted on by robbie

One hot afternoon in late August, I spotted a familiar face as I exited the Prospect Avenue subway station in New York City’s South Bronx. It was Tonya, one of my former students. She was holding the hand of a young girl dressed in an orange school uniform.
Bright and focused on earning her high school diploma, Tonya’s plans to go to college changed when she became pregnant during her senior year with Destiny, the girl whose hand she held. After a three month hiatus from school, Tonya graduated, and went on to have two more children — all by the age of 22. As a single mother, she worked odd jobs and collected food stamps to make ends meet.
I know first hand that Tonya’s story is not uncommon where she lives in Community District 3.  I am the cofounder of Kinvolved, a company that is working in her community to increase graduation rates by fighting school absenteeism.
Tonya lives in the poorest congressional district in the country, where about 37 percent of residents live in poverty and nearly 50 percent of residents earn less than a high school degree. By targeting the specific challenges facing the area’s youth, there’s hope to dramatically alter their futures.
South Bronx Rising Together is a group of neighborhood stakeholders working to improve the quality of life of neighborhood residents, in part, by ensuring that kids are college and career ready. Focused on elevating literacy rates, the organization discovered that student absenteeism is the main cause of lower-than-average scores. SBRT uses Collective Action Networks (CANs) made up of families, educators, business leaders, service providers and others to combat absenteeism.
Research proves chronic absence patterns can predict students’ graduation as early as sixth grade. New York City schools have one of the highest chronic absence rates in the country; public schools in Community District 3 have some of the highest rates of chronic absenteeism in the city: 36.6 percent of preK-12 students miss a month or more of school each year.
As SBRT analyzed absentee data, my colleagues and I at Kinvolved were working to help schools address absenteeism. We developed an app — KiNVO — that schools use to track attendance and to send text messages to families so they know whether or not their children are in class in real time. More than 100,000 stakeholders at 90 preK-12 schools in New York City benefit from KiNVO. At schools using the app, attendance rates improved 13 times that of an average NYC school.
As a CAN participant, my efforts focus on supporting the 60 schools in Community District 3. My CAN colleagues and I recruit schools in the neighborhood to be “All-In” schools, meaning they have committed to joining the fight against chronic absenteeism. By the end of the school year, there will be 30 “All-In” schools that participate in SBRT-sponsored events, webinars and meetings to exchange best practices to elevate attendance.
In part, as a result of these efforts, “All-In” schools that had regular attendance meetings and staff dedicated to attendance, experienced a drop in absenteeism between 5.7 percent and 10.3 percent from the 2014-2015 school year to the 2015-2016 school year.
According to SBRT co-directors Elizabeth Clay-Roy and Abe Fernandez, the organization wants its model and learnings to be open sourced. That way, improvement in school attendance will extend beyond Community District 3 in the South Bronx to the entire country.
Looking back, I have realized that I learned about SBRT and its focus on chronic absenteeism just before my reunion with Tonya and her daughter Destiny.  That day, as we parted ways, I hugged Tonya goodbye and felt Destiny’s small arms hugging my knees. I looked down at her eager smile and bright eyes and wished her a wonderful school year.
I believe that through the work of South Bronx Rising Together and also Kinvolved’s progress in fighting chronic absenteeism, we’re going to help Destiny and her peers achieve a future that hasn’t been as easily attained for her mother.
Miriam Altman is the chief executive officer and cofounder of Kinvolved.
Correction: The original version of this post misidentified Miriam Altman in the second photo. NationSwell apologizes for the error.

The Low-Risk Way to Help At-Risk Kids

Posted on by robbie

Perhaps the biggest danger for at-risk youth is the loss of social ties. Stranded by an absent family or an uncaring community, there’s usually no stopgap to prevent a young person from dropping out of school, turning to drugs or uncorking their anger with violence — unless a coach, pastor or neighbor steps in. In other words, these children need a mentor.

Too often, the kids most in need of reassurance and guidance aren’t connected with a mentor. Nearly one-third of America’s youth grow up without a trusted adult relationship outside their home. Of those, more than half — 9 million American kids, about the same size as all of New York City — are considered at-risk.

As the founder and CEO of MentorMe, a tech platform for youth and small business development, Brit Fitzpatrick is out to change that. “I can’t help but wonder what would happen if we shifted the way we view mentoring relationships from something formed by happenstance or as a product of privilege, to something that can be used as a tool to actually strengthen our communities,” she says. “What would happen if we shifted the focus of cities from attracting outside talent to actually investing in the young talent that’s already there? What if, along with great neighborhoods and great schools, every child was given a great mentor?”

The for-profit MentorMe, founded in 2014 in Memphis, Tenn., uses technology to better serve disconnected youth. Their cloud-based platform helps nonprofit organizations match their volunteers to the right child, manage the pair’s activities and then measure the impact of the relationship. As clients like Points of Light, the Knoxville Chamber of Commerce and the State of New York can vouch, MentorMe’s automated software program beats tracking each mentor and mentee on an Excel spreadsheet or, worse, with pen and paper. At Memphis Grizzlies Foundation, senior manager Desiree’ Robertson says the biggest boon has been the online application, particularly useful during the holidays when she might receive five or six requests a day. Fitzpatrick estimates that, for most clients, administrative time is cut by a quarter with the platform.

“The way mentoring programs are traditionally run is not scalable, as they rely on paperwork, spreadsheets and half-baked solutions,” Fitzpatrick says. “Unfortunately, most people underestimate the time needed to run mentoring programs successfully, and while they roll out to great fanfare, most fizzle out before gaining significant traction.”

Why is a streamlined process so important? Matching a kid with the wrong mentor can actually do significant damage. A mentoring relationship that lasts for less than six months actually degrades a young person’s feelings of self-worth and perceived performance in school. That’s why it’s essential to partner adults and children based on shared interests and expectations and to ensure they are meeting up at regular intervals, which MentorMe’s platform tracks.

If the pair jives, the results can be life-changing. Fitzpatrick, who herself benefited from mentoring, knows this firsthand. Raised by a single mom, she spent her after-school hours and summers at the Boys and Girls Club. Since graduating from Howard University in 2009, getting her first job in digital media marketing and founding a startup, she has given back by mentoring others. And her platform has helped another 6,000 volunteers find a young person to advise.

“As individuals, we may not be able to eradicate poverty; we may not be able to wipe out youth violence,” Fitzpatrick says. “But we can all start where we are, reach back and find a young person to invest in. Then, collectively, we can all be part of providing a brighter future for the next generation.”

Homepage photo courtesy of MentorMe.

Continue reading “The Low-Risk Way to Help At-Risk Kids”

Elisabeth Stock of PowerMyLearning

Posted on by robbie

Elisabeth Stock has always been driven to work toward a more just world. It was what led her to volunteer as a teacher for the Peace Corps in West Africa in her early 20s, and it’s what ultimately motivated her to found PowerMyLearning, an educational technology nonprofit, in 1999. “I wanted to join the Peace Corps because I felt like there was this deep unfairness in society,” she says. “Is it just and fair that where you are born predicts whether you can reach your human potential?”
The key to providing equal opportunity for everyone, says Stock, is through education. To that end, PowerMyLearning uses technology to improve the relationships that are crucial to the learning process — namely, the impact that teachers and parents have on a student’s promise to excel. “What we’re really about is empowering all of them — the kids and the adults — to learn together,” she says. That empowerment is translating to real, measurable results. There is at least one teacher, parent or student registered with PowerMyLearning in 40 percent of the nation’s schools, and since 2012, partner schools have seen an impressive 6.9 percent increase in math proficiency.
Technology is a crucial part of this process, but the company approaches it in a decidedly different way than most ed-tech outfits do. A lot of people in the field try to essentially replace educators with fancy apps and platforms, says Stock. “They think, ‘Oh my goodness, I can build the most amazing code to do what the teacher does!’ But we’ve realized that that’s a mistake, that what you really need to do with technology is focus on the learning relationships.”
PowerMyLearning uses a combination of services and tools to reach everyone involved in a child’s education. The organization’s online platform, called PowerMyLearning Connect, curates the best available videos, interactive games and other online resources to help students master complex topics. PowerMyLearning also provides coaching to teachers, especially those who are early in their careers, and conducts workshops where families can learn about what their kids are doing.

Join the cause! Speak up for family engagement across the country.

Teachers rely on PowerMyLearning Connect for its “playlists” of materials to use in the classroom. They can also customize these playlists for different groups of students or even for just one student at a time. “Imagine that you’re a teacher and you are in a classroom, and you have a couple of students who are really behind,” Stock says. “How do you help them practice without their peers noticing that they’re so far behind, and teasing them?” But if a student is playing a fun game that enables him to catch up at the same time, his classmates will focus on the game, not the fact that the student might have a deficit of knowledge.
The platform is also used to engage families in the learning process and will soon roll out a texting feature that lets parents know what their kids are learning. After a student works through a particular playlist, they’ll be prompted to teach the material to an adult family member. The adult can then text back to the teacher to share how well the child understands the concepts. “So many families want to be helping their students and continuing to improve their learning, but a lot of people just don’t know where to begin,” Stock says. “PowerMyLearning Connect really gives them that starting point.” The platform, along with the workshops, further collaborative relationships between students, teachers and parents.
Azlynn Cornish, a special education math teacher at South Bronx Preparatory school in New York City, uses the platform in her classroom, and she has also received coaching. “Self-motivation is a huge thing with PowerMyLearning Connect,” Cornish says. “It brings students so much choice, and they’re able to really create their own learning environment, both inside and outside of the classroom.” Involving families also helps give kids the feeling that they’re in control of their own education, she adds. “It just creates that kind of cycle of learning that continues daily, and creates genuine lifelong learners.”
For parents, PowerMyLearning provides a window into what their kids are up to at school. Lisnel Rivera, a parent from The Young Women’s Leadership School of the Bronx, recently attended a Saturday workshop to learn more about the program. “I think it’s very important for schools to include parents in their child’s education, because while they go to school to learn, the majority of their time is spent at home,” Rivera says. “If I’m up to date on the assignments, and the essence of what my daughter is learning at school, I can help her at home.” It’s facilitating those learning relationships that is exactly what Elisabeth Stock — and PowerMyLearning — has been about from the beginning.

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The 2016 AllStars program is produced in partnership with Comcast NBCUniversal and celebrates social entrepreneurs who are powering solutions with innovative technology. Visit NationSwell.com/AllStars from November 1 to 15 to vote for your favorite AllStar. The winner will receive the AllStar Award, a $10,000 grant to help further his or her work advocating for change.