In my early twenties, I was in line at a grocery store to buy a 12-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon when a man in his 60s tapped me on my shoulder. I had my headphones on and connected to my Zune, and I hesitantly — and likely dismissively — asked what he wanted.
“Do you actually like that beer?” he asked me. I said yes, but mainly because it was all I could afford.
He then told me that PBR was the only beer he and his friends could get while they were serving in Vietnam. The beer being shipped over kept going bad, he said, and PBR was one of the few American domestics that the Viet Cong had stocked up on locally.
“And there was no way we were going to drink Budweiser,” I remember him saying.
I was so enamored with the story that my Safeway run-in turned into an hour of sitting in a Starbucks parking lot drinking cans of PBR in the Arizona sun. And I was shocked at how I had initially dismissed this man simply because he was so much older than me.
It’s estimated that by 2050, as the baby boomer generation continues to age into retirement, the number of Americans over the age of 65 will double to 83.7 million. The number of people over 85 will jump to 19 million in the same time period — over 400 percent larger than the same sector of the population in 2000.
Despite those figures, we are still surprisingly ageist. And the problem isn’t only with millennials throwing shade at boomers. Boomers have had it out for the young, as well. But what can we do to recognize when we’re being ageist? And, more important, where can we find similarities across all of the generations?
I realized I was ageist years ago. And even though I recognize my biases, it’s still a problem. I choose to live near Williamsburg, where younger people tend to live, and I actively seek out places where I know I won’t be the oldest person in the room — and at 30, that’s become an ever-increasing challenge in Brooklyn.
Most of my aversion — or, arguably, fear — of the elderly is backed up by science. In 1986, three social psychologists found that our awareness of the inevitability of death makes us afraid of our elders. The assumption, dubbed the Terror Management Theory, is that humans are motivated to quell the “terror” inherent in the human awareness of mortality by investing in worldviews that imbue life with meaning, and the individuals who subscribe to them with significance. One can argue that shows like “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” is an example of our perverse obsession with youth and beauty. And when we encounter people who are older than we are, we associate them with our fear of dying.
Another reason for our ageist attitudes may come down to how much time we spent with our parents as kids. According to different studies, our relationships with our parents help influence our attitudes toward the elderly.
That fear has trickled into the way we work with those older than us, such as passing on older workers to do more complicated assignments, or viewing age as a liability, where workers are “too old” or “overqualified.” Studies have also shown there is a perception that older work applicants are more pitied, or are given lower ratings scores in job applications when compared to youth of similar backgrounds.
It’s even affected funding for national science initiatives and grants.
One very visible manifestation of ageism is the way we communicate with each other. When speaking with an elderly person, if you notice you use the words like “honey” and “babe,” or if you speak slowly and omit words from your regular vocabulary, that’s a sign you’re being ageist. Social scientists call this lexicon “elderspeak,” and it’s similar to the way we talk to infants.
“Some aspects of elderspeak do compensate for natural changes in the cognitive skills of our elders. But most of the time, it is actually confusing and even harmful to talk this way,” reads a report from the University of Kansas’ Merrill Advanced Studies Center. “Most aspects of elderspeak actually decrease comprehension….These cultural tools do not have a basis in the science of communication.”
But just as we hold biases against those older than us, research shows that it’s a two-way street.
Ever wonder why millennials are killing, literally, everything? (Most recently, we’ve killed mayonnaise). It’s ageist media gold, and absolute clickbait that perpetuates the myth the youth are lazy and entitled.
“When we advocate for ending ageism against elders – while simultaneously writing off youth – we actually exacerbate ageism toward elders,” writes Laura Beck on the Eden Alternative Blog. “How can we expect youth to appreciate the contributions of older people, when we turn around and disrespect theirs? It only deepens the gulf between the two.”
So how do we solve for ageism between the generations? One way is to simply stand up for yourself.
“Know that you are worthy of honor and respect! Stand tall, feel your power, speak out,” writes Olivia Ames Hoblitzelle, author of “Aging with Wisdom.”
Advocates for seniors argue that speaking up for oneself might help others realize they’re using ageist language.
And don’t let your own limiting language set you back, writes Holly Parker, author of “Your Future Self.”
“Take a moment and consider what limitations you place on yourself because of age,” she writes in Psychology Today. “Have you ever thought that you were too old to do something that younger adults do and then stopped doing it purely because you accepted this belief?”
To combat ageism in future generations, studies have shown that some of the best ways to reduce bias is to encourage young children to respect their elders. In a study released last year, Belgian researchers found that pairing toddlers with their grandparents for quality play time resulted in more positive stereotypes of the elderly.
“The most important factor associated with ageist stereotypes was poor quality of contact with grandparents,” says Allison Flamion, a doctoral student who lead the team. “We asked children to describe how they felt about seeing their grandparents. Those who felt unhappy were designated as having poor quality of contact. When it came to ageist views, we found that quality of contact mattered much more than frequency.”
And, most importantly, recognize when you’re doing — or saying — something that might demean another person.
Take it from me: If you ever get a chance to crack open a few cans of PBR with someone from a different generation than yours, go for it. You might be surprised at what you have in common.
Tag: stereotypes
How to Stop Sexism From Ruining Your Kids
If you consider yourself a progressive parent, you’ve probably been riding the gender-neutrality train for a while, making a concentrated effort to let your boys and girls be … well, whatever it is they want to be.
For everyone else, the rise of headline-grabbing movements like the Women’s March and #MeToo has made discussions around sexism, and the effect it can have on their children’s future, part of the broader parenting zeitgeist. Which is a good thing: Research has shown that children raised in egalitarian households are less aware of gender stereotyping at age 4 than kids whose parents endorse more traditional gender roles.
By now, parents of all stripes pretty much know that old-school fairy-tales and video games can breed gender bias. But there is still much more moms and dads can do to keep their children from picking up on the social cues that lead to gender inequalities. Here, salient advice for raising kids who will push back against sexism, at any age.
THE EARLIEST YEARS: BIRTH TO AGE 2
What’s Happening: Babies’ brains are sponges, but not haphazard ones. Little minds rely on select experiences to fine-tune their social navigation. “Even before infants are able to physically mimic behaviors, areas of their brain are ‘rehearsing’ and mimicking behaviors they observe,” says Dr. Laura Jana, a pediatrician and the author of “The Toddler Brain.” “Social interaction between babies and caring, responsive adults — most often their parents — influences the connecting of neurons in the developing brain.”
What You Can Do: For starters, keep you baby registry gender neutral. Otherwise you’re pretty much encouraging stereotypes right out of the womb. That’s not to say that dressing your daughter in a pink romper dooms her as a future feminist, but a playroom full of kitchen sets and dolls does send a certain message. Even subtle behaviors can impact your child’s future interests and actions. “Avoid defaulting to stereotypical gender-specific praise and descriptions,” Jana says. For instance, girls shouldn’t always be “pretty” and “sweet,” and boys don’t get to be “brave” and “strong” by default; by the time babies reach their first birthday, they’re already paying attention to these kinds of loaded words.
THE PRESCHOOL YEARS: AGES 2 TO 4
What’s Happening: Toddlers have been shown to demonstrate a preference for their own gender. They also tend to attribute more positive qualities to kids of the same gender and more negative traits to those of the other gender. “Figuring out categories is as fundamental as you can get in terms of cognitive processes,” says Lise Eliot, a professor of neuroscience at Rosalind Franklin University and the author of “Pink Brain, Blue Brain.” “It helps organize your experiences if things are similar, or not.”
What You Can Do: Be mindful of gender bias come bedtime. Almost 60 percent of main characters in children’s storybooks are male (or male animals), according to a 2011 study in the journal Gender & Society. “Female underrepresentation in children’s books may contribute to a sense of importance and wide-ranging possibilities among boys, and consequently, a sense of unimportance and more limited possibilities among girls,” says study author Janice McCabe, an associate professor of sociology at Dartmouth College.
Even well-meaning moms and dads may be desensitized to the over-dominance of male characters, especially if they are reading to a boy. In wanting their child to relate to the story, parents often don’t realize there’s a lack of female characters. “Discuss the absence of female characters with children as young as 2,” says McCabe. “By doing so, the inequality will not remain invisible, and you’ll also encourage critical thinking and media literacy.”
The prevalence of male-centered storytelling could be driven by the notion that girls are interested in boy things, but boys aren’t interested in girl things — and that’s unfortunate. “Parents are afraid [boys] will lose something by being associated with girls so it’s not as OK for boys to read books about girls, as opposed to the other way around,” says Eliot.
But that ultimatum is simply not true. Instead, try expanding your narratives. NationSwell’s suggestions: “Interstellar Cinderella,” about a futuristic heroine who prefers a wrench to a tiara; “Little Feminist,” a mini board-book series depicting notable femmes like Frida Kahlo and Rosa Parks; “Made by Raffi,” a tale of a shy, but ingenious boy whose knitting skills save the day; and “Clive and His Babies,” which tells the story of a boy and his two dolls (Clive’s adventures continue in a series of books about his bags, hats and art).
THE GRADE-SCHOOL YEARS: AGES 5 TO 12
What’s Happening: While gender stereotyping seems to peak between ages 5 and 6, just two years later ideas regarding gender roles become less rigid. That’s because at this age, youngsters tend to process information on a case-by-case basis, instead of the overarching group stereotype honed in their preschool years. By the time a child is 7, she or he realizes that femininity and masculinity are not hard rules assigned by gender.
What You Can Do: Step it up as a role model. “Children in this age group are much more focused on their own world — their family and their parents’ ideas — than the external world,” says Richard Horowitz, a parenting and family coach in Palm Harbor, Fla. “It is crucial to shape views and attitudes during the elementary years.”
But you can’t reinforce gender-agnostic values part-time. Take each parent’s job, for example. No matter if one folds laundry at home while the other trades stocks from a fancy corner office, treating each path with dignity ensures your kids won’t think one is more important than the other. When alternate opinions and media try to interfere, back up your assertions: While watching TV together, for instance, call out blatant sexist jokes (network sitcoms like “Modern Family,” “2 Broke Girls” and “The Big Bang Theory” are all guilty). “If kids can’t talk about stereotypes with their parents,” Horowitz says, “then they are more likely to be manipulated by mass culture.”
THE TEENAGE YEARS: AGES 13 TO 17
What’s Happening: The hormone soup is brewing, and it’s contributing to more than just teens slamming their bedroom doors and yelling, “Leave me alone!” Puberty is also a time when the feel-good oxytocin shoots up. This hormone boosts your kids’ proclivity for social bonding and cements positive memories from social interactions.
What You Can Do: Encourage the socialization that teenagers crave, including their interest in the opposite sex. “Chauvinism begins with [gender] segregation,” says Eliot. “Each group starts objectifying the opposite gender and that’s where stereotypes come into play.” What’s more, when a boy doesn’t see girls in charge — whether that’s as the female president of his civics club or the de facto leader of his social group — he is more likely to balk at female leadership as an adult. Says Eliot, “If boys don’t have this experience, a female leader just ‘doesn’t feel right’ to them.”
Meet the Guys Tackling Sexual Assault on Campus
While most twenty-something males are concerned with the athletics, girls and grades, Eric Barthold has something else on his mind: stopping sexual violence on college campuses.
Since 2010, Barthold’s Mules Against Violence (MULES) has been raising awareness among Maine’s Colby College student body about the issue. The idea came to Barthold one day while sitting in his “Boys to Men” class where a girl was presenting research concerning sexual assault on campus. In that moment, Barthold realized something needed to be done and that it had to start with men.
Originally, he and two other students formed the group Male Athletes Against Violence, but they changed the name to accommodate female members. (The mule is the school’s mascot.) With that, the group set on their mission to educate the student body and “challenge male athlete stereotypes,” according to Collectively.
So far, group activities include joining the college’s Quilting Club to knit a giant quilt in the middle of the Student Center and encouraging male athletes to attend the Take Back the Night rally every year.
Unique to MULES, though, is the Man Box activity. This hour-long presentation, which targets men, starts with one simple question: What does it take to be a ‘real’ man? From there, a conceptual box is drawn with the responses being written inside it. On the outside are the answers to the question about what characteristics aren’t thought of as being associated with men.
“You almost always get: strong, powerful, controlling, drinks beer or can hold his alcohol, can get lots of girls, heterosexual, no emotions,” Barthold tells Collectively.
On the outside, though, are all the traits that aren’t considered masculine, such as emotional, sensitive, caring, drives a Prius or skinny jeans.
“The exercise shows the anxiety that guys feel to be manly,” Barthold explains. “If they’re in the box, they’re OK. But if they fall outside the box, they get targeted.”
The final questions Barthold asks the group concern how men protect themselves from being perpetrators of sexual violence and how women protect themselves from being victims. While the men have an answer about women, they can’t answer it about themselves.
Due to the success of his program, Barthold has expanded it to all-boys middle and high schools with the hopes of starting change at a younger age.
MORE: How to Fix Alaska’s Culture of Sexual Violence