How Do You Stop Abusive Relationships? Teach Teens How to Be Respectful Partners

*Last name has been removed to protect privacy
When Diana*, now 22, started dating her first boyfriend seven years ago, she didn’t think the situation would quickly turn into a nightmare. After losing her virginity to him, their relationship took an unexpected and scary turn. “I worked hard to be a ‘good’ girlfriend,” Diana told NationSwell. “I would do things for him because a good girlfriend would do everything he asked.” Limiting her friendships was a common theme, as was continually making her feel like she was in the wrong. “He was very manipulative. But at the time, I was so blind, naive and clueless that I went along with it anyway.”
Though the two dated on and off for about eight months, controlling and condescending behavior — and signs of violence — appeared early and often. “Every time I would try to talk to him about something, he would always shift the blame to me and always put me down.”
Eventually, physical violence became an issue, too. While her boyfriend would continuously threaten to beat up others in their circle of friends — including one moment where he threatened to hit her, too — a turning point came about a month and a half into their relationship. “I hadn’t even thought about leaving him, but he said he had a gun at his friend’s house and was going to shoot himself,” Diana said. “I was scared shitless. I had no clue if I should cry, confront him, or tell him I was there for him.”
Even though her high school had a guidance counselor, it was a meeting with her school’s RAPP (Relationship Abuse Prevention Program) coordinator, Ellen*, that helped her find the support she needed to end the relationship. “I didn’t go to my guidance counselor because they weren’t there to help with emotional issues,” Diana said.
Unlike traditional counselors, RAPP coordinators are licensed social workers trained to host workshops that focus on self-empowerment or LGBTQ relationships, something Diana and her fellow classmates gravitated toward. “Ellen was comfortable and open with us from the start: We’d go up to her whenever something bad was going on with our day, and she would make the time for us. She made us feel comfortable in that space,” Diana said. “That changed high school for us.”
After breaking up with her boyfriend that summer, Diana spent time focusing on herself. She got a job, took swimming lessons, watched shows, went out, and found renewed focus academically. She also trained to become a RAPP peer leader, through an optional program that empowers teens to train others to recognize and change patterns of destructive behavior before transitioning into adult relationships, a process that helped her improve her communication with friends about the ups and downs of teen romance.

“My advice to other young girls out there is to not lose sight of who you are in relationships. Don’t ignore yourself. We only get one body, and we only live our life once, and we are only young once. Do not waste your youth on other people.” – Diana*, 22

HELPING TEENS DEFINE INTIMACY

Funded by NYC’s Human Resources Administration and the Mayor’s Office to End Domestic and Gender-Based Violence, and working in partnership with Day One, Steps to End Violence and Urban Resource Institute (URI), RAPP’s main goal is to create a safe space where teens can confidentially share details about their romantic relationships, at a time when hormones and emotions play a huge role in intimacy. The result: Teens who experienced violence at home, who felt they didn’t have a voice in their relationships, gravitated toward the program. “It brought the students back to the community, and helped them succeed academically,” Luis Matos, senior director of community education and prevention services at URI, told NationSwell. 
Once licensed social workers are certified via RAPP, they’re placed within high schools throughout the city, turning spare space and empty classrooms into safe spaces where all genders and sexual orientations can discuss issues like power dynamics,  disabilities, race and class. Among the services they provide are trauma-informed individual and group counseling, as well as classroom workshops to educate students on what qualifies as abuse. Professional development is also provided for teachers and staff. Participants can be referred by school faculty or peers, or they can self-refer. 
Care is taken to ensure that students of all gender expressions are placed with coordinators they feel comfortable with, and low- and high-income neighborhoods receive equal attention. “This isn’t a program that gets at any particular economic group, because abuse is everywhere: It has nothing to do with gender, race or economics,” said Matos. “It doesn’t matter what community you’re in.”
In each 45-minute workshop, teens learn about “consent” vs. “coercion” — concrete terms that help them to frame their life experiences. “If somebody asks you out five times and you say no four times and on the fifth time you said yes, is that consent? We’ll have lively discussions about that,” Day One Social Work Supervisor Rebecca Stahl told NationSwell. “We don’t try to come into those conversations with answers. It helps young people form a critical analysis of the relationships they see in the media, in school, modeled by their parents and modeled by their peers.”
Stephanie Nilva, a former attorney who practiced family and marital law specializing in domestic abuse, was inspired to start Day One by her work with adult couples. “When I talked to them [about] tracing their history, they would say things like, ‘This happened when we were dating; this happened before we got married,’” Nilva told NationSwell. “But extreme jealousy is a warning sign of an abusive relationship. People say things will settle down … and often, it doesn’t stop.”
While some intimate situations have clear boundaries, “early patterns of abuse are much more nuanced than ‘yes’ and ‘no,’ especially if people are trying out relationships for the first time,” Stahl said — a reality Diana experienced firsthand in her relationship. “I did have my moments where I took a step back and thought to myself, ‘Should I really be with him?'” Diana said. “But he was very, very, manipulative. Every time I would take one foot out, he would convince me to go back in,” she said. 

THE HISTORY OF RAPP IN NYC

While teenagers like Diana view RAPP’s services as an indispensable tool for helping them successfully navigate high school romance, the program has a deep history in the city’s domestic violence prevention strategy. Urban Resource Institute is one of three New York City-based nonprofits that provide domestic violence outreach services while teaching teens to recognize early signs of abuse — the kind that can sometimes be confused with passion. Since its inception in 1980, URI has expanded to operate 12 domestic violence shelters throughout the city, which accommodate as many as 1,200 survivors daily. RAPP was launched in collaboration with Center Against Domestic Violence (CADV) in 1997, which merged with URI in 2018. The program empowers youth to find the help they need to identify and address what makes relationships abusive, while training adults to work with survivors of sexual assault. URI is one of three organizations in the city that offers the RAPP program; Day One and Steps to End Violence also offer it as part of their services.
Initially, RAPP was run out of NYC’s alternative high schools, providing a curriculum designed for teens in areas that typically receive less funding. In 1999, two years after the program was founded, CADV, the predecessor to URI, received enough funding from the New York City Human Resources Administration to expand into five public schools across all five boroughs, and RAPP was officially born. 
“By the time Diana came into our program, we were already in schools for 10 years,” Matos said. “We didn’t have the resources to be in every school but we were able to identify, through the help of the DOE and administrators, schools that might be interested in having a social worker placed in their school to address teen relationship abuse.”
The RAPP program is currently in 94 schools city-wide, and does more than host workshops with students. Abuse prevention, intervention, professional development, community outreach and parent education are also areas of focus, as well as expanding the program into middle schools, through a program called Early RAPP, which launched in 2018. Though those workshops aren’t led by licensed social workers and don’t offer individual counseling sessions, community educators provide in-classroom resources and workshops, to reach students who might be starting relationships even earlier than high school.
Today, Diana is attending college, studying to become a nurse. Though she’s vocal about the lasting emotional effects her previous relationship had and the work it took to heal, she’s grateful for her current partner’s support. She also counts herself fortunate to have found someone who shares her dreams and ambitions. “Something as traumatizing as that … you’re bound to be scarred for life. I let [my current partner] know about what I went through, and he’s been very supportive, understanding, and careful with me, which I really appreciate.”
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Not Your Grandma’s Golden Years

Florida condos, group bus trips and endless games of Solitaire may be a thing of retirement past. The typical American Millennial is unlikely to mirror the retirement of their grandparents — or even their parents. According to analysis in the publication Science, developed countries have seen an increase in longevity, more than two years every decade. A person born in 1998 is likely to live to 95, assuming she has reasonable access to education and healthcare. This means that your golden years might be almost as long as your professional life. Spending 35 years lounging by the pool or playing mahjong is unlikely to appeal to Millennials, who seem to prefer transience to routine.
When Social Security was first established in 1935, life expectancy was around 61. For those trying to fit in education, a family and a job to support that family, there wasn’t ample time for leisure and other activities. It’s no wonder then that Americans defaulted to a three-stage plan that focused on those three things. Adding an upward of 40 years to a lifespan frees things up bit to make life more fulfilling, and in turn, provides the opportunity for a “multi-stage life.” Coined by Lynda Gratton and Andrew Scott, authors of “The 100-Year Life,” the concept outlines the shifting of our life trajectory from being progressive and defined by three stages to one that’s non-linear and filled with diverse careers, breaks and adaptations.
“The current trends of this three-stage life cannot work for someone with potential to reach 100 [years of age],” says Scott, professor of economics at London Business School. “Instead, a multi-stage life will be made up of many different stages each with different aims — perhaps one aimed at making money, another with a better work/life balance or a third focused on self-expression. Each stage will require a reboot to prepare a new identity and skills for the stage ahead.”

Millennials are leading the way by redesigning their 20s as a distinct age stage. The focus: Spend your second decade determining your values, your strengths and priorities — a time to hold off on early commitments and explore ample possibilities.
A recent Merrill Edge Report shows that 42 percent of 18-to-34-year-olds designate working their dream job as a personal milestone. Thirty-seven percent make traveling the world one of their top priorities. And almost two-thirds of Millennials are saving to live out their desired lifestyle now, as opposed to 55 percent of Gen Xers and baby boomers who put money aside for retirement. Call it FOMO retirement planning: Younger generations are no longer looking at their adult life as a predetermined, linear path. Instead, they’re taking a hop-on-hop-off trolley approach by nurturing personal goals. Read on to see how you can catch a ride for this multi-stage life.

Embrace Transitions

The multi-stage life counts on being adaptable in all areas: career, relationships, family and beyond. “Flexibility requires that we set aside what has already happened so that we can be open to what arises next,” says Henry Emmons, holistic psychiatrist and co-author of “Staying Sharp.”
Curiosity is an important driver in creating this flexibility. It challenges us beyond what we already know, which results in a bit of (good) stress that resolves when the related task is complete. Think about trying an exotic food. Inquisitiveness makes you wonder what it tastes like, followed by tension before you experience the unknown flavor, until your brain registers the entire experience as new taste. “As far as the brain is concerned, curiosity pushes us to keep going and thus, creates new neuropathways,” Emmons says. “It’s the best things we can do for ourselves, especially as we age and become set in our ways.”
Identity is often shaped by a particular job. When you’re not limited to a single career, however, you’re open to experiencing various roles. “You need to think about your identity in a different way,” says Scott. Reinforcing the idea that a gap year is no longer limited to college graduates, and instead, an acceptable (planned) exploratory period every few decades, is bound to reboot any inertia along the way.

Invest in New Skills

If you don’t disrupt the three-stage life, you’re likely to feel bored or frustrated during your centenarian life. “The human psyche needs to keep growing and learning,” says Emmons. “The antidote is to keep yourself engaged and try new things to create a sense of momentum that gets you out of a repetitive pattern.”
In order to stay current, one should be ready to adapt — and often. Unknown opportunities will arise a decade from now, so it’s vital to reskill every three to five years. Virtually every job today requires at least some computer skills, and those at the helm have a clear advantage. New technologies, like robotics and Artificial Intelligence (AI), will further disrupt the playing field. The International Federation of Robotics forecasts that the number of industrial robots will increase by 13 percent each year between now and 2019. According to the McKinsey Global Institute’s June 2017 report, “Artificial intelligence tools have the promise to change our lives as fundamentally as personal computers did a generation ago.” Because almost a quarter of firms that have adopted AI expect to grow their workforce, not reduce it, individuals need to acquire skills that work with, not compete, against machines.
This approach challenges the collegiate “learn then earn” model that can’t keep up with fast-paced job market. A “nanodegree” may be the answer to get ahead in this new digital frontier. Udacity, an online education hub, has pioneered the concept of offering tech-savvy courses — including Robotics and Self-Driving Car Engineer — that further one’s career without costing much time or money. These courses aren’t just useful for a Silicon Valley wannabes; the financial, media, retail, education and healthcare sectors, as well as the travel industry, are all integrating various degrees of AI into their frameworks.
While automation is the asset du jour, robots alone can’t monopolize the workforce. A perk of being human is that mental plasticity drives innovation and creativity. Take this success story: A computer science whiz was able to break into the L.A. fashion industry because her coding background allowed her to develop programs for printing patterns on different textiles. “She had the visions of a fashion designer, but also understood the mechanisms to bring her visions into reality,” says Valerie Streif, senior advisor with Mentat, a San Francisco-based organization for job seekers. “You’re able to jump fields as long as you’re willing to take on new challenges.”
It’s crucial to develop transferable soft skills such as leadership and communication — something the smartest robot cannot match. “Emotional intelligence is the most desirable soft skill of all,” says Streif. “The ability to read people sets you apart as a leader.”

Strive for a productive life

Planning for a multi-stage life is more than lining up your finances (more on that later). Family, friends, health, mental well-being and knowledge are the building blocks of an enjoyable long life. Aside from providing a nurturing day-to-day experience, these intangible assets are crucial during transition periods that often need extra support.
On the home front, actually coordinating and switching roles — a theory coined by Nobel prize-winning economist Gary Becker back in 1981— allows each partner to further develop different life stages while still maintaining the much-needed income stream. Domestic partnership roles based on traditional patriarchy simply can’t benefit both parties, not in the long-run anyway.

Much like financial investments, intangible assets like friendships need diversification and consistent attention to grow. (After all, you can’t bank on college to set you up with friends for the next 80 years). This is where volunteering, civil service or caregiving come in. Non-homogenous relationships make you less prone to stereotypes, prejudice and ageism — boosting your reputation as a people-person, a characteristic that carries enormous value in every day interactions and the workforce.
A productive life also means prioritizing a healthy mind and body. The healthier you are in your youth, the fewer chronic conditions should pop up later on. Conversely, an unhealthy lifestyle doesn’t just wreak havoc physically; it can drain savings due to the already volatile state of healthcare. If practicing meditation seems too advanced, develop good sleep patterns. “It’s the single most protective thing for the body and the brain,” says Emmons. Sleep is like going into a repair shop to tweak all those micro injuries that happen during the day. “Deep sleep allows the brain to cleanse itself and opens up channels that are closed during the day,” he adds.

Revamp your financials

According to a Bankrate.com report, seven out of 10 of non-retired Americans plan to work as long as possible during retirement. Of those, 38 percent plan to remain employed because they like to work, and 35 percent said they plan to have a job because they need the money; 27 percent said both. When you consider that a third of Millennials believe Social Security won’t be available to them, retirement savings must take priority. “Everyone, especially Millennials, should get in the habit of saving 15 percent of their income for retirement,” says Greg McBride, chief financial analyst at Bankrate.com. “Ideally through tax-advantaged retirement accounts such a workplace 401(k) and an IRA. Establish this habit early on and it will stick with you as earnings grow.”
In fact, you might need to stash as much as 25 percent of your income — a challenging task if student loans and travel eat up a saving than previous generations.
While Millennials are better at saving than previous generations, the Great Recession has made many question the security of investment plans. The fear is not warranted, says McBride. “Who cares what the market does next year, or the year after. You’re making contributions. If the market goes down, you get better price on your next contribution. The stock market is the only place, when it goes on sale, people run the other way.”
But what about paying off student loans? A fair question given the fact that 70 percent of college graduates are left with $38,000 in debt, on average. While a looming loan can be psychologically burdensome, making consistent payments towards your loan for 10, or even 25 years if you’re furthering your education, is often the right plan, particularly if you’re also paying a mortgage or other debt. Contributing to a 401(k), particularly if your employer offers dollar-for-dollar matching, is another smart alternative to paying off student loans right away.

Restructure time

“We don’t yet know what exactly works over 100 years, and it will be a long while until we do,” says Scott. That’s why it’s a good idea to ignore the clock a bit. Your 20s are becoming increasingly accepted as a time to be liberated and to transform your interests into more permanent sectors of your life, such as different careers or lifestyles. Think of your 30s as the test-drive decade for all those self-discoveries made during the previous decade. Perhaps your 40s is a time to make tweaks or shift gears. Once you’re in your 50s, ponder whether your older self will approve of how you’re setting up your life for the next stages. “Unlike past generations, it’s important to keep giving yourself options throughout all ages,” says Scott. “You find out what you like by both doing it and by rejecting what you don’t.”
The advantage of looking at life as a non-linear progression frees you up to make choices that may otherwise feel risky when you’re bound by the expectations of the three-stage life. Millennials are on the right track by delaying marriage and children in order to make time for self-discovery, find well-fitting careers and partners and enhance their community.
Going forward, each person has the opportunity to create a unique path. But to do so, we have to become age-agnostic. Repeat the following: Age does not equal stage. In other words, there are no rules when you can be a college student or a spouse, or hold a certain job. Overthinking whether you fit into a mold can be detrimental in the long run. “Worry and fear lock us in and create a sense of stagnation,” says Emmons.
This post is paid for by AARP.

Father Knows Best: Game Changers Share Their Favorite Advice From Dad

Father’s Day didn’t become an official national holiday until 1972, but fathers have, of course, been influencing their children for generations. This year, NationSwell surveyed some of the country’s most innovative trailblazers from a range of fields — including government, technology and nonprofits — to learn how fathers have inspired their lives and vision for renewing America. By turns powerful, touching and hilarious, they share both the professional wisdom and personal takeaways that continue to motivate them to this day.
“‘You should buy a computer.’ That was 1987. Purchasing the computer was my ticket to getting hired at SXSW in 1989; they didn’t have one and I did. So that advice was what launched my career with this organization. Of course, at the time I thought my dad’s input was crazy — and it took me about six months before I took what he said to heart. Dads are often a bit ahead of the curve that way.” — Hugh Forrest, director of SXSW Interactive Festival, the annual technology and innovation gathering in Austin, Texas
“‘Focus your career on what you think is one of the greatest problems you see in the world.’” — Ethan Brown, CEO and founder of Beyond Meat, a company focused on improving health and lowering the impact of climate change by reducing 25 percent of global meat consumption by 2020
“‘Be a voice and not an echo. Never compromise your principals.’” — Janice Buckley, founder and president of Heartbeat — Serving Wounded Warriors, a nonprofit that provides emergency assistance and therapy to veterans and their families
“My dad was a WWII veteran. He came back from the war and was able to benefit from the GI rights… One of his sayings was ‘hope for the best and work for it.’ He, like a lot of folks during that time… was a hard worker and felt you couldn’t take anything for granted. He would tell me and two brothers, ‘changed labor is as good as rest,’ which meant once you finish one job, you’re rewarded with another job.” — Pat Quinn, governor of Illinois
“I remember my father always reminding me that there is someone better than you, so be yourself and do your best. This taught me early on to be humble and not get too carried away with becoming like someone else.” — Brian Preston, founder of Lamon Luther, a home furnishings company that teaches carpentry skills to homeless men and women with the goal of preserving traditional American craftsmanship
“It was part of my parents’ purchase of an Apple IIe computer. He [my dad] said, ‘Play all the games you want,’ knowing that playing the games on the computer he purchased meant rearranging the operating system so that it, and the game I wanted to play, would fit in the narrow confines of the 64KB of RAM the computer contained. It often took me days or weeks to figure out how to ‘play’ a game. That led to a successful career in technology.” — Dirk Wiggins, founder of Code for Progress, a year-long program that helps people solve issues of social inequality by teaching them to code
“‘There is no substitute for hard work.’ My dad was the first person in my family to go to college, paying tuition while sleeping on his grandmother’s couch. He was determined to become a doctor and recognized that hard work and perseverance were the only ways to get there.” — Dave Gilboa, co-founder of Warby Parker, an innovative eyeglass company that embraces a buy-one, donate-one philanthropic philosophy
“‘You can’t go wrong by doing right.’  I’ve found this particularly meaningful in elected office because I make decisions based on what is right, even if it isn’t always politically expedient or popular.” — Sly James, mayor of Kansas City, Mo., named as an innovative mayor in 2012 by Newsweek/Daily Beast for his work in boosting economic development in his city, which has been dubbed a “Silicon Prairie”
“My dad taught me to be part of the solution to improve the lives of those around me. If you can change one person’s life, it’s like changing the world.” — Daniel Lurie, CEO and founder of Tipping Point Community, an organization in San Francisco that works to reduce poverty by awarding grants to the most effective nonprofits
“I am not sure that my father gave me explicit advice. His advice was through action. He was a teacher during the day, then he would come home and run his own business. He was a sub-distributor of Coca-Cola and a beer brand in our little town in Mexico. Whenever any of his clients needed product he would immediately get it to them. He became my model on how to respect people, provide immediate reaction and be proactive in understanding their needs.” — José de Jesús Legaspi, president of the Legaspi Company, a real estate firm in California that has converted 10 declining properties into cultural centers catering to underserved Hispanic families throughout the state
“My dad had two daughters and he told each of us to marry millionaires — and give him half.” — Maggie Lockridge, president and founder of Rebuilding America’s Warriors, a nonprofit that provides free reconstructive surgery to wounded service members and veterans.